Mood: Tired
Playing: Skyrim: Legendary Edition
Watching: Futurama
Drinking: Limeade
Eating: Little Debbie Star Crunch
Listening To: Your Best Nightmare - London After Midnight.

Hey there folks -- been awhile since I updated, lol. I've been kind of busy lately with things, trying to figure out doctor stuff, recovering from a kidney infection + sepsis (that had me in the hospital for nearly a week and then on antibiotics for a week and a half total)... Playing a lot of video games. I decided to see if my laptop could run Fallout: New Vegas because I was really craving more... difficult? Immersive? Things that required me to do more than just right or left click every now and again like Sims or Stardew Valley. Don't get me wrong -- I love my very casual games and SDV is one of my top comfort games but I wanted something that kept my mind a bit more busy and distracted me from the flurry of bullshit going on meatspace, online and in my own head. And I discovered that it very much can. Which lead me to seeing if it would play Oblivion (indeed!) and then trying Skyrim once my new external SSD showed up in the mail.

Skyrim is one of my top 3 video games primarily for the reason that I was playing it during one of the worst periods of my life and then during one of the best periods of my life -- so I associate it with being able to escape the bad time and the joy of the good time... So it's basically the game that I've played any time I need comfort or just an escape. The problem, for the past four years, has been that I have no where to hook up my 360 and my other gaming "consoles" are my tablet and my phone and while I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Todd Howard releases Skyrim: Mobile Edition, that isn't yet a reality. But I did find that my computer can absolutely play Skyrim (if only on the lowest graphical settings but I'm not playing Skyrim for the graphics, I'm playing it for the sheer nostalgia factor). And fuck do I hate how much that game owns me because walking into Riverwood at the beginning of the game made me legitimately tear up a tiny bit... It felt very much like coming home after a long absence. Oops.

Anyway, those three games have been eating up a lot of my time -- it's time I would've spent fucking around on twitter/tumblr and looking at shit that stressed me out anyway so it's not like there's a real loss there but... it does get in the way of things like updating my website/finishing the vampire write-ups for the website, doing commissions, doing art in general and writing... Because I will pick Skyrim over 90% of other things I could be doing because it just soothes my soul. I do need to keep going through Oblivion though because I'm actually digging the story. Once I finish that, I might give Morrowind a second try (it absolutely kicked my ass last time I got it but I think that's because I was entirely unused to computer gaming -- I've been a console boy my entire life, MMOs aside.) Well, the Frost Troll on High Hrothgar keeps killing me and I'm too annoyed with the game to keep playing so I'm here, writing up a blog post...

I would likely have written stuff yesterday but oh my god was it a day sent directly from hell. First, mania decided to strike so I wasn't able to sleep the night before and I had an appointment to get bloodwork done for my HRT at 11:45am. Which meant I had to take the 10:30am bus because the intercity route a) takes forever and b) our rural ass county only has one bus per route so the route takes forever -- going through three small towns on a loop that takes roughly 2 hours. I got off the bus at 11:30 -- at the wrong stop because I got confused and then had to walk 10 minutes to get to my appointment. Appointment went fine, it's just bloodwork and getting stabbed with needles at the hospital for a week seems to have exhausted my ability to have anxiety about that. Which I know, weird -- I give myself an injection once a week and other people using needles on me still made me anxious! So, I walk 10 minutes back to the bus stop (since the stop I was at is also a "request-only" stop and I didn't want to stand in the cold until 12:15 when the bus showed back up). I get there at 12:07 and according to the schedule, next bus is 12:15, going back toward my house and the next stop was the closest to my house at 12:20. Fantastic, I would be home in time for my 2 pm telehealth appointment with my therapist!

But given that it was an Evil Thursday, that did not happen. No, the bus didn't show up until 12:30 -- going the opposite way on the route (was the schedule I had old? I didn't think so, it's the most recent schedule and I downloaded it directly from the website!)... And for some reason, the gods decided that every single person in the tricity area who needs a wheelchair/walker or uses a stroller would need the bus during that circuit. Normally, I do not care. I'm a sometimes wheelchair user myself so I don't begrudge people who need mobility aids but christ, I just wanted to be home already. I was physically exhausted, my back decided it was going to have one of its Bad Days, my right hip was trying to escape from the socket once again and my knee (which normally is fine) decided this was the day it wanted to act up. I get home at 2:02 and I end up having to cancel my counseling appointment because I was just so fucking tired.

On top of that -- I discovered that Zelda, who usually drives me out, gets her schedule three weeks in advance which means that I need to reschedule my breast reduction consult...Which means i have to go through the ordeal of calling the plastic surgeon again. Not that anyone at the office was mean to me or anything -- I just fucking hate calling doctors' offices and I have fucking anxiety around phones in general. So that' Plus I need to get in touch with my PCP to have him right the letter of recommendation or whatever the fuck it's called,describing my symptoms and the things we've done to try to fix it and why I need a reduction instead of chiropractic/physical therapy/better bras. Which like a) transgender b) more supportive bras fixes the problem with my shoulders and just transfers it to my ribs instead and then I end up literal fucking sores from the wire and it also shoves my ribs out of place (ehlers-danlos syndrome for the fucking win lmfao). It's simply that like, 22lbs of breast tissue is just not compatible with life when you're not wearing a corset. And while I love my corset, I'd like to be able to breathe when I'm sleeping.

AND THEN! As I am trying to chill out and play some Skyrim after making a bowl of cereal, I knock the completely full, untouched bowl of cereal directly onto the floor, the bowl flips upside down and dumps itself into my roomate, Aqua's sandals. Thankfully it's march so she isn't wearing them but I still had to clean them out and milk + foot sweat residue is uuuuuhhhhhhhhh not fun.

Anyway uh. This is a giant, rambling mess of a blog post and mostly focused on my Bad Thursday and like, very little on anything else. Hope y'all have been having a good time (I say, as if there are people regularly reading this).