are doing a bit better, personally at least. My
emotions are a little less wild right now and
that's really a good thing but there's still
stuff bubbling under the surface. It's largely
frustration and not knowing how to feel about
what's going on in the world. Okay, no. I know
exactly how I feel about the massive anti-Queer
cultural shifts in the United States and the
threat to abortion access... Petrified.
I've been trying to figure out
why I am almost constantly anxious -- especially
when leaving the house on my own but after
talking with Raven (my eldritch gothparent) about
things, I realized that's what it is. I am
finally reaching a place in my transition where I
cannot pass as cis in either direction. I
have a much deeper voice, I have very visible
facial hair and (in my opinion) a much more
masculine facial structure... But I still have *really*
large and noticeable breasts (even wearing a
binder) and wide hips/thick thighs + a very
hourglass shape bc of the bone structure I have
and that the fat distribution is taking awhile to
really get any place.
Like, I really like my facial
hair. I do not want to shave it off at all
because it brings me some really genuine joy but...
I don't know, I'm constantly so, so very aware
of my body not conforming to expectations
for men or women right now and I live in
a very small, very conservative town. And the
fact that I was like, one of the only goth
people in town and kind of have an image (people
vaguely know of my existence and remember me as
that goth girl with the big boobs) it just...
*sigh*. I don't really have an
interest in "going stealth" and I don't
care too much about "passing" because I'm
not unhappy with my ~female~ body. I like my hips,
I like my waist, I like my breasts (other than
the fact that they're just so obnoxiously large)
but there's definitely some stress that
I experience from being visibly trans in a small
town and having been such a recognizable person
in this area...
And with the fact that PA is a
swing state and currently, there's legislation to
ban HRT that the PA GOP plans to put forward as
soon as Governor Wolf iss out of office... I'm
just stressed out. And scared. My housemates are
actually actively planning on moving if it's at
all possible -- either out of our small town
towards Philly or PGH... Or out of the state
entirely if the GOP wins the governorship...
Which is something that makes
me feel really loved and cared for, actually.
Raven has taken on a sort of "mom" role
to me since moving in here and that makes me
really happy and I'm really fucking happy to have
it in my life and that it cares so much about me
and Zelda (my transfem roommate) that it is
willing to uproot and take us somewhere safe. (Ofc,
Raven is also trans but it doesn't really plan on
with all of that going on, it's
really hard to just like... Exist? The world
feels really scary to me right now and I hate
that. I hate being afraid like
That's what really gets to me
about all of this -- I don't really want anything
more than to live with my found-family and my
partners and exist in a body that makes me feel
happy... I don't want to "make"
people be queer, I just want to exist. And
that makes people want me dead and there are
people who want to, essentially, force me into
being a baby incubator and that makes me deeply
uncomfortable and upset... I don't understand why
my existence is such a problem.
Well, I guess that' snot
totally true. I can parse out why queer people
are a "threat" to society -- bc our
society doesn't want people to be their
authentic selves or be happy. Our society relies
on these clearly delineated sex/gender categories
to make sure mens' identities are policed
correctly and that women can be oppressed more
eassily. And queer people blur those lines and
trans peoples' unique experiences expose the ways
the system hurts and opppresses people of every
gender. Which makes our existence a "threat".
But the truth is that like...
I'm kind of a white-picket-fence gay under it all.
I want to dismantle the system bc it hurts people
but if I was allowed to just live my life without
interference, I might not care so much about
activism. Maybe. I don't know -- I've never been
allowed to just live my life without people
trying to hurt me for being who I am or force me
into a box that I don't fit in. Maybe even if
being a polyamorous transgender gay man was
accepted by society, I'd be incredibly dedicated
to tearing it apart because I hate seeing other
people get hurt...
Raven, who is gen x, really
just says that the only way to survive this kind
of environment is to learn to say "fuck it
and fuck you" and not care about other
people liking you. And I know they're right and I
am trying to learn how to stop desperately
seeking the approval of people who don't matter.
I live with people who love me and want me to be
safe, who are willing to put themselves at risk
to keep me safe - I have a suprisingly robust
support network of queer people in my life which
a lot of people don't have... But I still feel
such a deep need for everyone to like me
all the time. And that's frustrating as
hell because I don't want to care.
I mean obviously it's more
than just "I want people to like me" --
I want people to not want me dead or raped or
beaten just for existing in a body that is
different than what they expect... And that
really gets to me, I'm not going to lie. It's
just.... Ugh. It's upsetting.