|Things have been really
frustrating for me lately. There's a lot of
reasons why but it's largely just... Feeling
invisible. Big surprise, right? I especially hate
how, during the summer, I just don't really get
the chance to look like myself -- it's
too fucking hot for 90% of the things I like
wearing. Especially in my current house where I
have to keep the bedroom door closed constantly
so the cats/dog can't get in there and knock
things over (because the cats will knock
over my shrines and shit while desperately trying
to explore the room)... And it's upstairs and we
don't have air conditioning and can't get the
bedroom windows open x_x so it's hot and
constantly humid in the room.
It's even more
frustrating because like, my body sucks at
regulating temperature -- it has ever since the
one time I got heat exhaustion (?) when I was
fifteen and it's only gotten worse over the years,
especially since I started my psych meds (both of
which cause heat intolerance lmao)... so I can't
really get dressed unless I want to boil to death
in the process and that ends up making me get
really depressed. Everyone else in the world with
seasonal depression seems to become depressed in
the winter -- I get depressed in the summer...
But aha, I
got off topic there, didn't I?
I was going
to talk about feeling invisible.
really to say though? I'm a gay trans
man, I basically do not exist to anyone
except the people who want to make laws to
control my body. I don't even know how to begin
to say how frustrating it is when
the people passing the legislation against
medical transition in the US say explicitly that
it's to "protect" the bodies of "young
girls" only for, it feels like, every ally
to scream "WE SUPPORT TRANS RIGHTS, TRANS
WOMEN ARE WOMEN!"... Like, yes those
laws will affect trans women too. But
they're explicitly targeting trans
masculine people. But no one cares. Or worse
-- they accuse you of hating trans women and
speaking over them if you point this out...
transmisogyny isn't a huge issue.
Not that being hypervisible is good (I've
been in a hypervisible category myself and
it fucking sucks.).
between what I feel now and what I felt when I
was the ~acceptable~ and ~sexy~ hourglass fat
girl with huge tits... I think I'd go back to
that if the idea of being a girl didn't make me
want to fucking die. I'd trade being
ignored, being unseen, having like literally no
erotica drawn or written about bodies like mine
for the constant discomfort of being fetishized
really just get over myself. I should really just...stop
expecting people to remember I (and people like
me) exist. I should just learn to accept it. But
when people talk about ~The Gayest Magic the
Gathering Set ever~ only for there to be
no explicitly gay men or trans men whatsoever...
But multiple enbies, a trans lesbian and a cis
lesbian. I'm happy for the ace/aro representation
in the set but like...
I'm tired of
people saying "there's so much queer rep!"
when what they mean is sapphic rep.
Queer includes all of us. And I want
to be happy. I want to cheer and be like
"hell yes, more representation in (kind of)
mainstream art and media!" but when I
combine seeing people say "queer
representation" with the fact that trans men
are entirely invisible, that I've seen multiple
femme enbies (a category to which I did belong
for a long time), that there are so many bi and
lesbian girls in media lately...
makes me bitter and angry. I hate feeling this
way all the time. I hate being so angry all of
the time. I hate feeling this bitterness and pain
in the pit of my stomach. I hate feeling empty
and left out. I want to take joy in the rest of
my community getting notice, getting love,
getting to see themselves represented in children's
shows and in card games. I want to be happy for
them... It hurts though. It hurts to be invisible.
It hurts to be passed over time and time again.
It hurtst to see everyone in history who may have
been a trans man get Girl Bossified.
being a giant baby about so fucking much. I need
to get over it. Get over myself and
learn to be happy for what the trans community
can get. And just... get used to it, I guess.
I'll add something positive to finish this off:
working on an obnoxious rainbow fluid art shirt
the last two weeks (hand stitching the entire
thing) and now it's almost totally finished (it
needs buttons and buttonholes added but I'm
dragging my feet) and I'm really proud of it, so
I'm gonna share the two finished pics:
All of the
seams are finished, too. some with a zig-zag
stitch (which I learned juts for this project) or
with some left-over halloween ribbon (hence the
ghosties on the inside of the collar). I also
made the pattern myself, tracing an old shirt of
mine that didn't quite fit. I think I could still
adjust it a little bit better but that'll be for
the next set of shirts I make, I guess...