So, I'm going to try to update my blog a bit more often -- aiming for a weekly thing and Wednesday seems like a good day to do it. Things have been going pretty well, all things considered, given the tone of my last entry lol. I'm trying my best to keep going and keep moving through life, even if I regularly feel upset and confused by the things going on around me. It really just... ugh. It continues to strike me how little I understand why people hate the people they hate. Some of it, I can get into their mindset and figure it out but in the end, I'm still left scratching my head...

The good news is that after getting my bloodwork back and finding out my T is at like, 293, I got in touch with my doctor and asked about upping my dosage so I can get to a more middle-of-the-road level for a cis guy and we upped the dose to 75mg a week. I'm going to have to go get a new bottle that's 200mg/ml but I've at least worked out the dosage for the 100mg/ml bottle so I can finish that off. No point in wasting it, lol. I've got a surgery consult on Friday, too. It took me awhile to find a doctor who was willing to work with someone my size -- which you'd think would be easier since I'm not looking for full-on top surgery/chest masculinization, just a breast reduction (which according to all the studies is one of the safest forms of plastic surgery for fat people to get but well, surgeons are kind of a fatphobic bunch lmao *laughing because he'll cry if he doesn't*. Plus I've figured out a form of bottom surgery I may actually be interested in but I'm not 100% sure.

The thought of phalloplasty of any kind has always made me deeply uncomfortable since I'm the weird trans guy who has no issues with my natal genitalia whatsoever. I'm really enjoying the changes T has made to the area, don't get me wrong -- I'm in total love with the bigger clit (also ugh, can I just say how much I hate the phrase "tdick"?) but honestly, I like having a cunt. It's something I haven't felt any discomfort with since I was a teenager (and I think a lot of that was tied to how deep of a depression I was in considering my favorite MCR lyrics were "when I grow up I want to be nothing at all". Yikes, that poor kid.) Anyway, yeah -- phalloplasty has always 100% been something I have no interest in, same for like a vaginectomy or scrotoplasty or any of that stuff. Thinking about having those things done to my body just makes me fucking cringe. This isn't a judgement on anyone who does want those things, by the way. The surgeries and results of them aren't what makes me cringe. It's the thought of myself having a dick + no vag that makes me feel so uncomfortable...

So I had figured that like, there's no form of bottom surgery I'm interested in but... I found out about metoidioplasty recently and I'm kinda... That actually sounds appealing. But then again, I can't find any images of the (healed) results and the chances of my fat ass being able to get cosmetic surgery like that is like, painfully low... So I'm just hoping the higher dosage of T has an effect down there because I'd really love for that lol. I'm just so fucking into the thought of it, lol.

It does suck that I'm going to have to get up at like, 8 am on Friday though since it means I won't be able to do karaoke on Thursday night, and I do look forward to that. Usually. I don't know, sometimes I just don't have the energy to deal with people I don't know at the bar and sometimes it's shard to find somewhere to sit (which when you have fibromyalgia and hypermobility syndrome + scoliosis and hyperlordosis standing for any extended period of time is a fucking nightmare and hurts.) I really wish we were doing karaoke on Fridays at the wine bar that has a unisex bathroom and no-smoking. Even if it the drinks are more expensive there. And they have couches you can sit on. Which like? Oh my god, so much better than a bar stool when it comes to comfort.

There's a lot of other thoughts floating around in my head right now but I'm not entirely sure how to put them into words so I think I'll stop writing for now.